Peanut Butter and Jelly Cookies, with love from Brussels.

Greetings from Brussels !

I am currently on holiday as I write this. As of today, I have been to Barcelona, Madrid and now the lovely Netherlands. And it's snowing !

I don't think I like the snow very much. 

Anyhoo, I am going to tell you about these cookies I made.

But before that, let me just announce that I am going to work soon. In Switzerland. And the thought of that is pretty damn terrifying. And so to ease the fear a little, I've run off to Spain and Amsterdam and now Belgium. I have eaten chocolate and cheese and chocolate and dried pineapple until my heart ached. I've dyed my hair red and black and red again and bought dresses and more chocolate and ran until I couldn't breathe. It's not exactly helping but it is a distraction, I suppose.

Am I okay ? Am I okay ? I've not known okay for such a long time now. Some days offer a brief reprieve but then somedays the demons come howling and I curl up in a shivering ball of nerves until morning comes and my roommate's alarm wakes me out of my sleep. And now I am to go six months without her and I find myself at a loss. I don't know what to do, really. Sleep with a knife and a bar of chocolate under my pillow, perhaps.

Don't ask me what happened. It's the bloody hormones talking. With a side of teen angst. Give it a day or two and I'll be fine. We are, after all, in the Grand City of Chocolate.

Baking heals. These cookies see, they help me. We got a chance to bake whatever we wanted the other day during pastry class and I chose peanut butter cookies because I've never actually made them like this - mine always seemed to include ridiculous additions (ahem, chocolate) and are stupidly large enough to float a party of six. I told the chef I'd make some nice peanut cookies and edited the recipe beyond recognition to the extent of being asked what and how-much-of-the-what I put in the cookie, I couldn't answer, having thrown in ingredients with reckless abandon. Whatever.

Then I rolled them by weight (pigs are flying as we speak), small (send help) and cross hatched their tops with a fork and baked them sans chocolate chips. And then I made a peanut butter filling and stuffed their insides with jam and ate them.

And then the hole in my heart filled up a little.

Do I have a story about how my mom used to make me pb&j sandwiches ? Nope. I grew up with my babysitter - my mom would make me tuna sandwiches or egg banjos. My babysitter would make me cheese and jam sandwiches. The peanut butter came a little later in life. Even then I was stupid - peanut butter and tuna ? Peanut butter and egg ? Errr.. Peanut butter and ketchup ? Peanut butter and cheese ? 

Yeah.. It took me a while to get it. Now please excuse me, I've got a lot of catching up to do.

With love from Brussels.

Peanut butter cookies:

75g butter

85g peanut butter

65g sugar

70g brown sugar

40g whole eggs

110g flour

1.5g baking powder

3g baking soda

1. In a stand mixer, cream the butter, peanut butter and sugars until light and fluffy.

2. Add the eggs and beat until well mixed. 

3. Sift together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. Add this to the creamed mixture in two batches, scraping down the sides of the bowl as you go. Stop the mixture as soon as the flour is mixed in.

4. Roll balls of dough around of around 1 tbsp each. Place them on lined trays. Using a fork, mark the tops of the balls with a crosshatch pattern, pressing them down slightly. Bake the cookies at 180C for around 20 minutes, until golden brown. Remove from the oven and leave to cool.

For the peanut butter filling:

80g peanut butter

30g butter

40g icing sugar

2tbsp cream

1. Beat the peanut butter and the butter until well creamed. Add the icing sugar and beat until fluffy. Add enough cream to obtain a piping consistency.

2. To assemble the cookies, pipe some peanut butter filling around the edges of half of the cookies. Fill the centers with some jam of your choice. Top with the remaining half of the cookies, pressing them so the filling comes out to the edges.

*I like them cold. Preferably with some milk.

Belgium, please be good to me.

Black Sesame Macarons in a Letter.

Dear younger Viyern,

Don't grow up so quickly.

There will be some days where you wish you were old enough. You'll want to get out of the school and go to college and then stay out and never go home. Take it from me - don't. High school will be one of the best times of your life. You'll grow out your hair. You'll finally tell that guy how you feel and you'll learn that love is all that it's cracked up to be and more. You'll be happy and you'll be heartbroken. You will also meet the craziest bunch of people who are going to become your best friends. Stay with them. Have sleepovers. Keep them.

You'll learn that the world can be as nice as it is cruel. I think you should know that already, my dear girl, and believe me, don't be afraid to talk to your mom about it. She might yell, she might cry, but she will be on your side. And sometimes, that's all that matters. Don't be scared to speak up and speak out. Stand up for yourself. There are bad people out there so surround yourself with good ones. Don't waste your time on people who treat you like an option. That guy who wouldn't even pick up your calls ? Stop. Calling. Life is too short to be wallowing over people like that. You have great friends who will surprise you and drag you out of bed. They will keep you awake all day and night and force you to watch movies with them. These are the ones you should spend your time on. 

There will come a time when you will feel like you're too big. Too fat. Too ugly. Too awkward. That's normal. But do not let them rule your life. I know you love to run, so go ahead. But please, remember to eat. There may come a time where you feel that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Believe me, kiddo, skinny will not always feel good. Maybe you'll find out sooner, maybe you'll find out later the hard way. Don't let that hinder you though, get back up, fix yourself and move on. Life is short so just eat that damn cookie.

Baking will save your life. Literally.

And that will prompt you to run off to culinary school. Skeptical aunts ? Show them what you can do. Bake them some cookies. Learn to cook awesome food. Who says culinary school is for stupid people ? Get those straight A's and then make them the best damn meal they've ever had. Chances are they'll be too busy stuffing their faces to make snarky comments. Why would you listen to them anyway ?

You'll graduate with a diploma. And if you're anything like I think you are, you'll run back off to familiar faces and beg them for a job. Working is hard, kid. Ten hours a day, sometimes seven days a week with a minimum wage. You're on your feet all the time and you'll be collecting scars, you clumsy nut. Why did you even go back there ?

I know, I know. It's the people, isn't it ?

It's that girl who works in the pastry section who lets you eat some truffles when you're sad, who pretends not to see when you scoop yourself some ice cream. It's that guy who sneaks chocolates for you when you're tired. It's that friend who'll annoy you to bits and make you laugh and keep you company when you work late nights. It's that chef who teaches you everything you want to know about pasta and risotto - the reason you'll be the only one in school who passes that exam. Remember to thank him. It's that annoying boss who'll nag at you every waking second but puts in a good word for you before you leave. It's that guy you fought with, hard, who'll become your best friend and save you ice cream after service.

And boy, will you learn. You'll make dimsum and Chinese New Year dishes. You'll learn to scoop ice cream like a pro and plate up desserts Asian-style. You'll learn that people spend that much money on water and that much money on bite sized sushi. Some will want to boil said sushi, rice and all. Don't judge. You'll learn how to make pizza and popcorn and cotton candy and talk to little kiddies. You might dabble a little in the world of fine dining - tiny, tiny portions of wonderful food that cost more than you'll ever afford. And you'll learn that home isn't a place.. It's the people.

And you'll go to Switzerland. Yes, Switzerland - it's the last place you'd think you'd ever end up, wouldn't you ? You'll eat a ridiculous amount of chocolates and cheese. You'll meet the nicest people and squabble with the not-so-nice ones. Learn. Try. Cry if you have to. Pick yourself up on the bad days and go kick ass on the good ones. In the end, I can tell you that you won't want to leave.

You won't be baking so much, and you love to bake. It is hard, but it makes you treasure the times you do. Macarons ? Been there, done that. Peanut butter and jam ? Check. Black currant caramel ? Ditto. Chocolate ? Pshht. Green tea ? Easy. Black sesame ? Why not ?

For the macaron shells:

15g almond flour

25g black sesame seeds

80g icing sugar

40g egg whites

20g caster sugar

Black food colouring (I used Wilton's gel food colouring)*

For the sesame ganache:

1/4 cup heavy cream

180g white chocolate, finely chopped

20g white sesame seeds

1/2 tsp sesame oil

*Try to use the gel ones since they won't water down your batter too much.

1. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. Make the macaron shells. Put the almond flour, sesame seeds and icing sugar in a blender or food processor, blend until very finely ground. Sieve into a bowl and set this aside.

3. Whip the egg whites until soft peaks form (where you can hold up the whisk and the whites droop off in a soft peak). Slowly add the sugar while whisking, then whip till you get firm, glossy peaks (when you hold up the whisk, the whites stand in a firm peak that doesn't droop). I usually just whisk this by hand - doesn't take that long.

4. Sieve half of the ground seed and nut mixture over the whites. Gently fold them in using a spatula, then sift over the remaining mixture. Fold it in until well combined. Add a few drops of black coloring at this point.

5. Then using the spatula, stir the batter while pressing it against the side of the bowl to deflate it ever so slightly. You want to get the right piping consistency, that is when you lift the spatula and draw a figure eight with the batter, it disappears into itself within 20 seconds. The texture of it will be like choux pastry dough. It takes a little practice but you'll get the hang of it soon enough :)

6. Put the batter into a piping bag and snip a 1cm opening. Pipe 1 inch circles on the parchment lined baking sheet, spacing them 1/2 an inch apart. Set them aside in a cool, dry place to dry for at least 45 minutes. They will form a shell - you can tell by touching them lightly with your finger. The batter shouldn't stick to your finger and it'll have a crust of sorts. Leave them to dry longer if necessary, it can take up to two hours especially if it's cold or rainy. 

7. Preheat the oven to 155C. When the macarons have formed a shell, bake them for 10-12 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through. Let them cool on the baking sheet. The shells should peel off the parchment paper easily when they're cool, if not, just pop them back in the oven for another 3-5 minutes. Let them cool completely before filling.

8. To make the filling, toast the sesame seeds in a dry pan over medium heat until fragrant and slightly browned. Pour in the cream and heat until just below boiling point. Turn off the heat and pop a lid on and leave it to infuse for at least 20 minutes.

9. Strain the cream through a fine mesh sieve and add enough cream to make it up to 1/4 cup. Heat this until just below boiling point again and pour it over the chocolate. Stir until completely melted and leave to cool until firm enough to pipe.

10. Fill a piping bag with the ganache and snip off the end. Pipe a little ganache on half the macaron shells - if you're lazy, just spread the ganache on with a spoon. Works as well. 

11. Use the other half of the macaron shells to sandwich the filled ones - pressing them together lightly until the filling comes to the edges of the macaron. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator. 

Chocolate (Mousse) Understands.

I am tired.

In the past week, I have stayed up all night squabbling with my roommate about stupid things like whether to wake up in time for breakfast tomorrow and which lecturer was more irritating. I've also locked myself out of my room thrice in the same day because I keep forgetting to take my card key with me. I have watched more movies in a week than I would have in half a year if I was back home. I have also rescued a drunk friend - it was the first time I would see firsthand what alcohol and heartache could do to people.

It also means I've been horribly lacking of sleep. Now, I don't actually mind, because I've been doing things I actually like doing with people I actually like hanging out with. It's been a rough few weeks what with having to pick drunkards out of puddles of puke and losing a friend. I mean not only have I crawled under a table to wipe vomit out of my friend's bright red hair (I'd do it again, she's such a darling) but I have also been alienated because I started hanging out and grew attached to someone I just met.

Yeah. I was kept in the dark about that until I confronted him and for several reasons I won't mention, came to an agreement that I was to be a stranger to him from now on.

...

I can't even begin to describe the pain of that.

So, annoyed and drowsy, I trundled into class last Friday and pulled together a cake of sorts from my friend's recipe. The cake part didn't work so well - it came out looking like a tar road. I am still not entirely sure if it was a glitch in the recipe or due to my own sleepiness but then I scrapped it and made another cake which I soaked in some coffee syrup and covered in some chocolate mousse and then drowned in chocolate ganache a few days later. Basically, it was full on chocolate on chocolate. Exactly what I bloody well needed.

For the chocolate mousse:

150g dark chocolate

150g milk chocolate

5 eggs

3 tbsp sugar

125ml cream

50g sugar

For the mousse
Roughly chop the chocolate and melt over a double boiler. Remove from the heat. 

Separate the eggs. Beat the egg yolks with the sugar over a hot bain-marie until foamy and the sugar has dissolved. 

Whip the chilled cream until semi-stiff. Beat the egg whites with the 50g sugar until they form stiff peaks. 

Add the egg yolk mixture to the chocolate and stir in with a whisk. Place the whipped cream on top of the chocolate mixture and quickly mix in with the whisk before the mixture sets. Carefully fold in the beaten egg white.

Pour into glasses or fill a layer cake. Either way, just eat it, preferably chilled, with more chocolate.

Complaints and Choux.

This is me procrastinating.

I'm still not sure how I find myself having to write a critique on an article about oatmeal cookies (criticising the methods of research, not the actual cookie. Sigh.) and also half a million essays in letter format for English class.

I also am to be the head chef of sorts tomorrow for a menu of which the theme has been snatched from my hands.

Let me backtrack a little bit. We, and when I say we, I mean the entire school, have been busy last weekend and Monday and Tuesday for an event which was supposed to help us find our internships. I say supposed because after having slaved and stressed away and lost much precious sleep over it, a grand total of veryfuckinglittle of the student population have confirmed internships. The rest of us - yours truly included - are still unemployed and about as in control of the situation as a herd of lost sheep. Seriously people, I have no idea what to do now. UGH.

Hence, I didn't have time to actually sit the chef down and talk about my menu. I wanted it to be street food themed, which to me seemed like a breath of fresh air. I knew it'd stir some issues since it was a fine dining restaurant, but I figured that since street food was becoming a trend these days, I'd bring it into the school as well. Plus, who doesn't love street food ?

Well, chef didn't. Bah. Humbug.

It might have also been caused by a certain, ahem, colleague of mine who wasn't paying attention to a single word I was saying. So when his dishes clashed with my theme, I took the lashing and had to rewrite my entire menu to orbit his crazed ideas of food.

Needless to say, I was not pleased. Still am not pleased. Will probably not be pleased tomorrow either.

I have swerved sideways slightly and changed from street food to bistro instead. Well now it must be a tad more acceptable since one is no longer dining by the street but in an actual building. Damn, I was so looking forward to making more churros ! But I digress. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will have to shout orders and tell them what to do. I have no inner Gordon Ramsay so how that will play out, I have no clue. But we'll see. Fingers crossed.

On the bright side, there is fried chicken on the menu. It'll be good. Fried chicken is always good.

It's been getting colder lately. How the hell people dress sexy for Halloween, I don't know. All I can think of dressing up as is a burrito and that is so I won't have to freeze my butt off when I step outside. I'm not even sure if they celebrate Halloween here... There is an underground club of sorts that will probably have a Halloweeny theme though. Being someone who doesn't drink nor dance nor even been to a club before, I don't think I will partake in said celebration. Maybe I'll just dress myself up and walk around the school for an hour or so. Just so people think I am actually going to the club. Then when time comes, I'll be nice and snug in my room, preferably with some chocolate and nobody will know where I am. Oooh, sneaky.

But really, I don't drink. Not because I am being pious, but because my stupid Asian genes have rendered me useless once I ingest any form of alcohol. That includes the fumes. Yes, my friend, I get giddy just from smelling anything with alcohol included (which means perfumes fall under this category as well). I skip the drunk part and go straight to hungover. No fun.

So while I have the great pleasure of being one of the few un-drunk ones on Friday nights (or most nights in some cases), I have noticed that drunk people do odd things. Well, I think that is obvious. I wonder what I'd do if I were drunk.

So what do I do then ? Well, I bake. Not on Friday nights of course, but whenever something needs to be baked, I do it. The most recent thing I made was biscotti of the savoury sort. Oh, it was for tomorrow. Oh no.

Moving on to happier topics, I have also made eclairs. Of which some I stole back to the room and stuck a candle in to celebrate my roommate's birthday. Don't look at me like that, we were broke and the shops didn't sell cake.

This is said roomie. Hello !

For the choux paste:
400g water or milk or a mixture of both
140g butter
20g sugar
280g flour
2g salt
400g eggs

1. Bring the water/milk mixture, the butter, the sugar and the salt to a boil. Immediately dump in all the flour and stir until the mixture comes together in a ball.
2. Lower the heat and stir the dough on low heat for a little while more to dry it out and cook out the taste of the raw flour.
3. Put the dough in the bowl of a mixer fitted with the paddle attachment. Add the eggs one by one, beating all the while until it reaches a sort of dropping (or plopping) consistency.
4. Fill a piping bag fitted with a plain nozzle with half the dough and pipe eclairs/profiteroles/cream puffs onto a lined baking tray. Bake in an oven preheated to 180C until puffed, golden brown and dry on the outside. Remove from the oven and let cool before filling.

For the pastry cream:
500g milk
1/2 vanilla pod
125g egg yolks
100g sugar
40g custard powder

1. Split the vanilla pod down the middle and put in with the milk in a saucepan. Bring to a simmer, cover and let infuse for at least an hour.
2. In a bowl, whisk together the yolks and sugar until lightened. Add the custard powder.
3. Bring the milk to the simmer again, and slowly pour into the yolk mixture, whisking all the while. Pour the mixture back into the pan and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until thickened.
4. Pour onto a tray lined with clingflim, then press another sheet of clingflim directly on top. Chill.
5. When cold, beat in the mixer using the paddle attachment to loosen before piping into the eclairs.

*remember to remove the vanilla pod ! You can rinse it and leave to dry, then stick it in a jar of sugar to make some awesome smelling sweet stuff for your coffee/cake/cookies.
**flavour the cream as desired. Add cocoa/chocolate/coffee extract/pistachio paste/nutella (OMG).

Lemon Chicken and.. Holy Hell it's October.

And suddenly, it's October.

Has it been three months since I left home already ? Sure doesn't feel like it.

Not so long ago, if you were to ask me if I liked it here, I would have said no, I didn't. I would have said I loved it better back in Malaysia, that I would rather be working again and sleeping in my own bed at home. I would have said I would rather brave the mad heat of my homeland than have the cold air of Switzerland. I would have told you no, my heart wasn't here. It was back there.

Then, something changed. I met some people. 

I went on vacation with said people. 

I grew to love the kitchen. 

I saw sights and scenery that I really, really never imagined I'd get to see in my life.

I found cookbooks here that I never even dreamed of seeing. I found food that I never thought I'd ever taste. And then I grew to love this place. My heart is still back there. But I think little by little, Switzerland is growing on me. I actually found myself yearning for the calmness of Bouveret during my last day in Venice. But then again, it could have been because I was tired of walking around with luggage that probably weighed half as much as I did.

My holidays are almost over. In two days, I will be beginning the Fall term. After that, it is time for me to go to work - intern for half a year in this place. In fact, I've already begun to do research about places I'd like to work in. It's all rather confusing - and also a little frightening, having to decide everything by myself. Once, I'd ask my parents what they thought of me doing this or that. Now it's me and my laptop - or ipad - and then I decide and off I go. Which means I'm going to be held responsible for whatever I choose. 

It's a lot to take in.

I have lived two decades. I've done stupid things and made silly mistakes. I've gotten into fights and accidents and I've seen things I wish I never saw. I've heard stories of the weird and wonderful and met some amazing people. And yet at the end of the day, when I can't sleep at night (which has happened once here, when I was recovering from a fever), the only person I want to see is my dad. What I'd give to be able to walk downstairs, steal a banana and sit and watch some stupid horror movies with him again.

Speaking of which, here is a picture of me old man. He dyed his eyebrows black prior to the picture being taken. Come on, you know it makes sense.

Sure, I can do that now. The bananas are on my table next to my bed. I can watch movies anytime I want. In fact, I can stay up all night if I chose to. But it's not the same. In fact I even miss his snoring - his snoring only, mind you. When we were five in a hotel room, three girls and two boys, I didn't sleep for two nights being kept up by my friend's snores. It was like trying to hug a train engine to sleep.

Also, if you were to ask me if I missed Malaysian food, I'd said no. Because, well, I don't. Ever since I got here and discovered cheese-pasta-cold meats-salads-European food, I fit in quite happily (and I am slowly getting more rotund as I speak). But if you were to ask me if I miss my mom's cooking... God, yes. Heck she could even cook plain rice and I'd eat it.

Which is my cue to show you this lemon chicken I cooked during Malaysia week last term.

(Oh, real smooth.)

I can't help it. My thoughts aren't being very coherent. I think I've been staring at my computer screen for too long...

Lemon Chicken

3kg chicken thighs, deboned

For the marinade:

20g soy sauce

5g pepper

4 eggs

30g castor sugar

30g cornflour

5g sesame oil

For the sauce:

400ml chicken stock

20g butter

50ml lemon juice

20g sugar

20g cornflour (to thicken)

Extra cornflour, to coat the chicken.

1. Clean the chicken and slice it into strips. 

2. In a large bowl, combine all the marinade ingredients, add the chicken, cover and refrigerate.

3. Prepare the chicken stock.

4. The next day, heat up the chicken stock and reduce it by half. Add the rest of the ingredients (except the cornflour) for the sauce, adjusting the amount of lemon juice or sugar to taste. Make sure it's sour/sweet enough !

5. Mix the cornflour for the sauce with a little bit of water, then add the slurry to the sauce and bring to the boil until thickened.

6. Add the extra cornflour to the chicken in the marinade to form a thick batter of sorts. Deep fry the chicken pieces until golden brown and crispy.

7. To serve, either pour the sauce over the chicken or toss the chicken in the sauce. Garnish with sesame seeds and coriander leaves. Serve with rice.

Fragrant Rice

1kg short grain rice

3 stalks lemon grass

3 pandan leaves

Star anise, cloves

2 cups chicken stock

A big pinch of salt

1. Rinse the rice until the water runs clear. In a pot, add all the ingredients, then add enough water till it comes up to 2cm above the rice. Bring to the boil, stirring, then reduce the heat to a low simmer.

2. Cover the pot and let the rice cook until all the water has bee absorbed, around 15 minutes. Fluff up the rice with a fork and serve warm.

Of Venice, An Explanation and Matcha Ice Cream

This is going to be a post about a green tea ice cream that I made a little while ago. Here is a picture as proof.

Okay, not really. But I'll put the recipe down below anyways because it is some really tasty ice cream.

After a week of running around Italy and France, I am now back in Switzerland and am also at a bit of a loss of what to do. I've been going shopping and eating and also just recovered from a bout of sickness that left me too weak to even stand up. Dear reader, I swear I cannot remember the last time I've ever been that sick. And oddly enough, the last time I was close to being that sick, I had just come back from a holiday. Which is strange because I fell sick right after I got back from Venice. 

It's a sign. A sign that I should just go on holiday permanently.

Anyhoo, once having recovered, I proceeded to dye my entire head of hair red and buy clothes and also another cookbook and tidy up the room and study some French. All this in an effort to (1) make the most of my holidays and (2) fix the hole in my heart. I had my heart broken in Venice, you see.

I was alone in Venice for three days. And I loved every. Single. Second. I swear if I could, I'd just move there and become Italian. The streets are every bit as beautiful as I ever imagined and the canals are ridiculously blue. The gondolas are huge and decked with everything you could think of, from red plush chairs to gold figures on the prow. You get around by boat, not car. I just wandered into the Rialto market by myself and turned corners until I walked into a shop that sold solely chocolates. I must have stood at the door with my mouth hanging open for a solid ten minutes before grabbing the nearest jar of chocolate spread.

And the gelati, oh the gelati. There are stands and stalls and shops everywhere. They open as early as ten in the morning and have a myriad of flavours to choose from. I told myself to stick to vanilla and pistachio - I once heard that pistachio gelati is the test of a good gelateria, if it's yummy, you better believe the rest of the flavours are phenomenal - but then I discovered that there were flavours like tiramisu and chocolate and fiori de latte which I absolutely fell in love with. It's just milk, but it's milky tasting in the best possible way. I spent an entire morning dedicated to stuffing my face with gelati then some Sicilian cannoli (delicious !) and nougat after. And then I spent the rest of the day trying to walk off the sugar.

The people are really nice. The smile at you and wink and help you around and while there are no handsome men in expensive suits - ahemMilanahem - walking around, Venetians feel a little more accessible. While there were models in the streets of Milan and Paris, there were nonnas and jolly Italian men sitting in the cafés by the road, eating and talking and generally enjoying life. It made me want to join them even though I spoke like three words of Italian.

Venice is a romantic city, if not the most romantic in the world. Why did I go alone ? Simple. I didn't have anyone to bring with me. My friends who went with me to the aforementioned places were off gallivanting in London. I do not have a boyfriend. But I was - am - head over heels for a certain someone who knew - knows it. (What ?) 

I talked about loving someone who doesn't love you back. Freaking sucks. Then I said, there was always hope. What the hell did I mean ?

Usually I refrain from typing all this, or even talking about it to anyone other than my closest friends. I don't like putting personal stuff in a place so public. It's too, um, personal. And typing, or writing about it makes it feels so real and solemn - it's been put down in a place where I can actually see the words, rather than me just saying them to a friend. And I didn't say much. The ones who travelled with me were in fact the only beings on earth, other than said offender, who knew about my predicament. Okay I admit, I might be dramatizing a little but I will write as I feel, and I felt it deeply. I've liked him for a long time. I finally got the guts to tell him - and while I wasn't exactly rejected, I wasn't exactly accepted either. It was fine. I just wanted to be acknowledged.

And then came a little glimmer of hope. I think I grasped it too tightly - you know how it is when you have a crush. You think too much, you want too much and when you get even the slightest nod in your direction, you start grabbing at straws that might not even be there. Well, that hope was sort of taken away when I was in Venice - not completely. He just wasn't ready. I completely understood, I might have rushed into telling him and all that.. But then I would have to see him after this. Every day. Could I cope ? I was wondering myself. He said I could stay away from him if I wanted, and we could talk less. If it made things easier for me. 

See my problem is, I cannot move on unless I get rejected. Like a bitchslap in the face, I need a loud, resounding NO and the grief that follows after to be able to give up and get on. But he didn't say no. God, he didn't say no.

Does that mean I have a chance still ? I don't know. He said he wouldn't mind if we talked - he said he liked talking to me in fact - but then I did warn him that he'd have to put up with my silly affections for some time. He said he didn't mind. And this was after the crushing news. I got sad - then very confused. I spent the rest of the night watching youtube videos and eating candied pineapple to make myself feel somewhat normal again.

We've chatted online once since then. I don't know if I should find him again or leave him be. I want to talk to him, of course. But I don't want to seem overly eager - kind of like how a guy is supposed to wait a while after getting a girl's number before calling or something. Does that rule still apply ? Be cause now people text and all.. I digress. I don't know where the line between "don't care" and "pushy" is. I don't know how to be the one who cares less. In fact I don't know any medium - I don't know what gray is, I never did. Which is kind of stupid since most of my shirts are gray.

Phew.

I feel like the high school girl who has a crush on the most popular guy in school. Which is kind of annoying since I really hated those girls with those crushes, all they seemed to do was blink and blush and giggle and do absolutely nothing (which is also why I spent most of the movie yelling "Do something youwidiyot") and now ironically I am put in the same position. Oh, life.

So what did I do after that ? Well, sleep, for one, because I was exhausted then and I needed to catch a plane the next day. Before catching said plane, I also dragged my 12kg luggage through the streets of Venice and shopped my little heart out. I managed to get a souvenir for my sister though.. It'll be a year before she gets it. But that's beside the point. I bought a stupid amount of chocolate for myself - which I normally never do - and then flew back to Bouveret and proceeded to become ill.

And that brings us to today. With me sitting and typing out this really long diary of a post with no mention whatsoever of ice cream (wait, I did mention gelato. Ha.) and all the while thinking shoulditexthim woulditbeannoying ohmygodwoolissocomfy.

Okay. Okay. Thank you for listening. I hope you didn't pass out from boredom. Here is your ice cream.

Matcha Ice Cream

Ingredients (20 servings)

-Milk 1,920 ml

-Heavy cream 960ml

-Sugar 480g

-Green tea powder (Matcha) 30-40g

PREPARATION:

1. In a medium saucepan, whisk all the ingredients together except green tea powder.

2. Start cooking the mixture over medium heat, and add green tea powder. Stir often and cook until the mixture starts to foam and is very hot to the touch but not boiling.

3. Remove from the heat and transfer the mixture to a bowl sitting in an ice bath. When the mixture is cool, cover with plastic wrap and chill in the refrigerator for 2-3 hours.

4. Once the mixture is thoroughly chilled, transfer to a pre-chilled ice cream maker and churn according to the manufacture's instructions (20-25 minutes). Transfer the soft ice cream into an airtight container and freeze for at least 3 hours before serving.

Sesame Tuiles

Ingredients(20 servings)

-Egg white 50g

-Brown sugar 60g

-Flour 60g

-Melted butter 40g

-White toasted sesame seeds 160g

-Black toasted sesame seeds 20g

PREPARATION:

1. Preheat the oven to 170 degrees C and line a baking tray with grease proof paper.

2. In a mixing bowl, whisk the whites till frothy. Add the sugar and beat till it dissolves. Stir in the melted butter.

3. Add the flour and mix till lump-free. Add the sesame seeds and fold in until well combined. The mixture should be dry and sticky.

4. Smear 1/2 tbsp of the mixture onto the tray into a circle. Bake for 8-10 minutes, until golden brown and crispy, rotating the trays if you have to. Remove from the oven, leave to cool and store in an airtight container.

Notes

 The layer must be thin and even to make it crispy. Wet the fork lightly to avoid mixture sticking on it and easy spreading. Be careful not to over bake the crisps. If not, the sesame seeds will be burnt If the crisps turn soft, you can reheat them for 2-3 minutes at 160°C in a preheated oven.

Milan and Burger Buns.

Greetings from Milan !

I am amazed to say I have survived one semester of studying abroad. And right after finals, my friends and I jetted away to Milan. In which two nights have passed and as I write this, I am in the airport waiting for my flight to Paris.

Yes, Paris.

How was Milan ? Well, it is as beautiful as I imagined it to be. The Duomo is beautiful, the people are beautiful (the men are ridiculously handsome. I swear, especially those selling handbags in those suits. Why do people even bother looking at the bags ?) and the food is delicious. I mean, it's pasta and pizza, what could go wrong ?

I haven't actually been here long enough to give a full account of the city, seeing as I only visited the area of Duomo but having spent the day there, I say that you have to go to Duomo. Seriously, jet off there at least once before you kick the bucket. I highly recommend it.

Anyhoo I haven't been posting much because I've been busy with life and such, but I shall now post some pictures of me making some burger buns for some chicken burgers that I sent out of which my friend came back for twice in the same day. I like to think it was these buns that made the burger.

Me (pretending) to be very hard at work.

My friends dropped by to lend a hand.

I didn't alter the recipe and so I shall just direct you to this site. Her pictures are nicer than mine anyway. Heh.

.

.

.

In relation to the previous post, I think I'm feeling a little better. Well, there isn't any shame in hoping for love.

In the meantime, let me go stuff myself with too many Mars Bars. Who knew one could find them in Milan ?

Tres Leches, Birthdays and a Heartache

Hello hello. Another day, another class, another banana. That's how it's been.

It's nice here actually. I've been making loads of new friends who have taken to coming over to our room after classes and chatting till late night. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I start to shut down circa 10pm (I know - I'm an old lady inside) so I start to yawn and my eyes start closing and then they have to retire to their own rooms. I feel horrible and kinda old but, well, I need to sleep. It's the best sleep I've had in nearly a year, what with my past of being a notorious insomniac.

And exams, oh the exams ! Time has flown and it is now my mom's birthday. September has half passed and I am here procrastinating and writing poetry in the margin of my notebook. I have one more paper tomorrow and all I can think of is

the heartache

of loving someone

who doesn't love you back.

The exam stress is making my brains - and hair - fall out of my ears - and head - but then the ache inside just won't go away. I feel it down to my bones and it kind of makes me want to eat everything and not eat anything at the same time. Sitting feels weird and studying feels fine. My mind is blank and full at the same time. Probably of cotton wool and wine notes. Gah.

Whatever. While I study and attempt to cover up the hole in my stomach, I'll fill up the other hole in my stomach with some cake and churros. How is that a pairing ? I have no idea. It just happened. But it was a damn good pairing as demonstrated by my classmates - and myself - having eaten every single bite of leftover cake off the tray, then munching on so many churros that I didn't have enough to serve to the customers. What did my chef say ? Nothing. Because his mouth was also full of churros.