Peanut Butter and Jelly Cookies, with love from Brussels.

Greetings from Brussels !

I am currently on holiday as I write this. As of today, I have been to Barcelona, Madrid and now the lovely Netherlands. And it's snowing !

I don't think I like the snow very much. 

Anyhoo, I am going to tell you about these cookies I made.

But before that, let me just announce that I am going to work soon. In Switzerland. And the thought of that is pretty damn terrifying. And so to ease the fear a little, I've run off to Spain and Amsterdam and now Belgium. I have eaten chocolate and cheese and chocolate and dried pineapple until my heart ached. I've dyed my hair red and black and red again and bought dresses and more chocolate and ran until I couldn't breathe. It's not exactly helping but it is a distraction, I suppose.

Am I okay ? Am I okay ? I've not known okay for such a long time now. Some days offer a brief reprieve but then somedays the demons come howling and I curl up in a shivering ball of nerves until morning comes and my roommate's alarm wakes me out of my sleep. And now I am to go six months without her and I find myself at a loss. I don't know what to do, really. Sleep with a knife and a bar of chocolate under my pillow, perhaps.

Don't ask me what happened. It's the bloody hormones talking. With a side of teen angst. Give it a day or two and I'll be fine. We are, after all, in the Grand City of Chocolate.

Baking heals. These cookies see, they help me. We got a chance to bake whatever we wanted the other day during pastry class and I chose peanut butter cookies because I've never actually made them like this - mine always seemed to include ridiculous additions (ahem, chocolate) and are stupidly large enough to float a party of six. I told the chef I'd make some nice peanut cookies and edited the recipe beyond recognition to the extent of being asked what and how-much-of-the-what I put in the cookie, I couldn't answer, having thrown in ingredients with reckless abandon. Whatever.

Then I rolled them by weight (pigs are flying as we speak), small (send help) and cross hatched their tops with a fork and baked them sans chocolate chips. And then I made a peanut butter filling and stuffed their insides with jam and ate them.

And then the hole in my heart filled up a little.

Do I have a story about how my mom used to make me pb&j sandwiches ? Nope. I grew up with my babysitter - my mom would make me tuna sandwiches or egg banjos. My babysitter would make me cheese and jam sandwiches. The peanut butter came a little later in life. Even then I was stupid - peanut butter and tuna ? Peanut butter and egg ? Errr.. Peanut butter and ketchup ? Peanut butter and cheese ? 

Yeah.. It took me a while to get it. Now please excuse me, I've got a lot of catching up to do.

With love from Brussels.

Peanut butter cookies:

75g butter

85g peanut butter

65g sugar

70g brown sugar

40g whole eggs

110g flour

1.5g baking powder

3g baking soda

1. In a stand mixer, cream the butter, peanut butter and sugars until light and fluffy.

2. Add the eggs and beat until well mixed. 

3. Sift together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. Add this to the creamed mixture in two batches, scraping down the sides of the bowl as you go. Stop the mixture as soon as the flour is mixed in.

4. Roll balls of dough around of around 1 tbsp each. Place them on lined trays. Using a fork, mark the tops of the balls with a crosshatch pattern, pressing them down slightly. Bake the cookies at 180C for around 20 minutes, until golden brown. Remove from the oven and leave to cool.

For the peanut butter filling:

80g peanut butter

30g butter

40g icing sugar

2tbsp cream

1. Beat the peanut butter and the butter until well creamed. Add the icing sugar and beat until fluffy. Add enough cream to obtain a piping consistency.

2. To assemble the cookies, pipe some peanut butter filling around the edges of half of the cookies. Fill the centers with some jam of your choice. Top with the remaining half of the cookies, pressing them so the filling comes out to the edges.

*I like them cold. Preferably with some milk.

Belgium, please be good to me.

Black Sesame Macarons in a Letter.

Dear younger Viyern,

Don't grow up so quickly.

There will be some days where you wish you were old enough. You'll want to get out of the school and go to college and then stay out and never go home. Take it from me - don't. High school will be one of the best times of your life. You'll grow out your hair. You'll finally tell that guy how you feel and you'll learn that love is all that it's cracked up to be and more. You'll be happy and you'll be heartbroken. You will also meet the craziest bunch of people who are going to become your best friends. Stay with them. Have sleepovers. Keep them.

You'll learn that the world can be as nice as it is cruel. I think you should know that already, my dear girl, and believe me, don't be afraid to talk to your mom about it. She might yell, she might cry, but she will be on your side. And sometimes, that's all that matters. Don't be scared to speak up and speak out. Stand up for yourself. There are bad people out there so surround yourself with good ones. Don't waste your time on people who treat you like an option. That guy who wouldn't even pick up your calls ? Stop. Calling. Life is too short to be wallowing over people like that. You have great friends who will surprise you and drag you out of bed. They will keep you awake all day and night and force you to watch movies with them. These are the ones you should spend your time on. 

There will come a time when you will feel like you're too big. Too fat. Too ugly. Too awkward. That's normal. But do not let them rule your life. I know you love to run, so go ahead. But please, remember to eat. There may come a time where you feel that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Believe me, kiddo, skinny will not always feel good. Maybe you'll find out sooner, maybe you'll find out later the hard way. Don't let that hinder you though, get back up, fix yourself and move on. Life is short so just eat that damn cookie.

Baking will save your life. Literally.

And that will prompt you to run off to culinary school. Skeptical aunts ? Show them what you can do. Bake them some cookies. Learn to cook awesome food. Who says culinary school is for stupid people ? Get those straight A's and then make them the best damn meal they've ever had. Chances are they'll be too busy stuffing their faces to make snarky comments. Why would you listen to them anyway ?

You'll graduate with a diploma. And if you're anything like I think you are, you'll run back off to familiar faces and beg them for a job. Working is hard, kid. Ten hours a day, sometimes seven days a week with a minimum wage. You're on your feet all the time and you'll be collecting scars, you clumsy nut. Why did you even go back there ?

I know, I know. It's the people, isn't it ?

It's that girl who works in the pastry section who lets you eat some truffles when you're sad, who pretends not to see when you scoop yourself some ice cream. It's that guy who sneaks chocolates for you when you're tired. It's that friend who'll annoy you to bits and make you laugh and keep you company when you work late nights. It's that chef who teaches you everything you want to know about pasta and risotto - the reason you'll be the only one in school who passes that exam. Remember to thank him. It's that annoying boss who'll nag at you every waking second but puts in a good word for you before you leave. It's that guy you fought with, hard, who'll become your best friend and save you ice cream after service.

And boy, will you learn. You'll make dimsum and Chinese New Year dishes. You'll learn to scoop ice cream like a pro and plate up desserts Asian-style. You'll learn that people spend that much money on water and that much money on bite sized sushi. Some will want to boil said sushi, rice and all. Don't judge. You'll learn how to make pizza and popcorn and cotton candy and talk to little kiddies. You might dabble a little in the world of fine dining - tiny, tiny portions of wonderful food that cost more than you'll ever afford. And you'll learn that home isn't a place.. It's the people.

And you'll go to Switzerland. Yes, Switzerland - it's the last place you'd think you'd ever end up, wouldn't you ? You'll eat a ridiculous amount of chocolates and cheese. You'll meet the nicest people and squabble with the not-so-nice ones. Learn. Try. Cry if you have to. Pick yourself up on the bad days and go kick ass on the good ones. In the end, I can tell you that you won't want to leave.

You won't be baking so much, and you love to bake. It is hard, but it makes you treasure the times you do. Macarons ? Been there, done that. Peanut butter and jam ? Check. Black currant caramel ? Ditto. Chocolate ? Pshht. Green tea ? Easy. Black sesame ? Why not ?

For the macaron shells:

15g almond flour

25g black sesame seeds

80g icing sugar

40g egg whites

20g caster sugar

Black food colouring (I used Wilton's gel food colouring)*

For the sesame ganache:

1/4 cup heavy cream

180g white chocolate, finely chopped

20g white sesame seeds

1/2 tsp sesame oil

*Try to use the gel ones since they won't water down your batter too much.

1. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. Make the macaron shells. Put the almond flour, sesame seeds and icing sugar in a blender or food processor, blend until very finely ground. Sieve into a bowl and set this aside.

3. Whip the egg whites until soft peaks form (where you can hold up the whisk and the whites droop off in a soft peak). Slowly add the sugar while whisking, then whip till you get firm, glossy peaks (when you hold up the whisk, the whites stand in a firm peak that doesn't droop). I usually just whisk this by hand - doesn't take that long.

4. Sieve half of the ground seed and nut mixture over the whites. Gently fold them in using a spatula, then sift over the remaining mixture. Fold it in until well combined. Add a few drops of black coloring at this point.

5. Then using the spatula, stir the batter while pressing it against the side of the bowl to deflate it ever so slightly. You want to get the right piping consistency, that is when you lift the spatula and draw a figure eight with the batter, it disappears into itself within 20 seconds. The texture of it will be like choux pastry dough. It takes a little practice but you'll get the hang of it soon enough :)

6. Put the batter into a piping bag and snip a 1cm opening. Pipe 1 inch circles on the parchment lined baking sheet, spacing them 1/2 an inch apart. Set them aside in a cool, dry place to dry for at least 45 minutes. They will form a shell - you can tell by touching them lightly with your finger. The batter shouldn't stick to your finger and it'll have a crust of sorts. Leave them to dry longer if necessary, it can take up to two hours especially if it's cold or rainy. 

7. Preheat the oven to 155C. When the macarons have formed a shell, bake them for 10-12 minutes, rotating the pan halfway through. Let them cool on the baking sheet. The shells should peel off the parchment paper easily when they're cool, if not, just pop them back in the oven for another 3-5 minutes. Let them cool completely before filling.

8. To make the filling, toast the sesame seeds in a dry pan over medium heat until fragrant and slightly browned. Pour in the cream and heat until just below boiling point. Turn off the heat and pop a lid on and leave it to infuse for at least 20 minutes.

9. Strain the cream through a fine mesh sieve and add enough cream to make it up to 1/4 cup. Heat this until just below boiling point again and pour it over the chocolate. Stir until completely melted and leave to cool until firm enough to pipe.

10. Fill a piping bag with the ganache and snip off the end. Pipe a little ganache on half the macaron shells - if you're lazy, just spread the ganache on with a spoon. Works as well. 

11. Use the other half of the macaron shells to sandwich the filled ones - pressing them together lightly until the filling comes to the edges of the macaron. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator.